In modern times, today’s youth are consistently growing increasingly disillusioned with the thought of love. We often view love as an abstract concept, something that belongs in the cheesy Netflix originals or in the Disney movies we grew up watching, but not many of us imagine these fairytale endings for ourselves.
This could be the reason we as people work so hard in pursuit of it. Dating apps are all the rage, as various different types of people take on the artificial, algorithm-generated marketplace in hopes of finding the perfect connection. We seem to get so caught up in finding our ideal match that we forget to focus on the prominent things in our lives, although I feel this isn’t entirely our fault because media pushes these emotions and ideas onto us so heavily. This is evident from a simple Google search or the endless Reddit threads dedicated to the burdens we bear from modern-day love. I could rant for hours about the parallels between our feelings towards love and modern pop music. After taking a quick glance at the Billboard 100, you’ll find that over half the songs are about love in one way or another, whether it’s celebrating it or vilifying it. Even my own music taste reflects this tug-of-war between glorifying love and absolutely despising it. One minute, I’m singing along to “Till There Was You” by The Beatles; the next, I’m blasting “Mr. Perfectly Fine” by Taylor Swift.
In middle school, I was very much a heart-on-the-sleeve dreamer. My naive thirteen-year-old self was convinced that I would have the character arc of a stereotypical main character from a YA novel. Whether it was having my Cady Heron moment or getting the school heartthrob to fall in love with me, I was dead-set on living out every trope to ever grace the pages of teen fiction. To me, this was the correct way to live life, the only way to have a happy ending.
Now, as a burnt-out soon-to-be college freshman, I can say with relative disappointment that there is in fact no fairy godmother in real life. The perfect idea of love I had in my mind was just that: a daydream. Now, I’m not saying love doesn’t exist, and this isn’t me telling you to flee to a cottage in the woods with a stack of Victorian novels and a disdain for modern affection or boycott weddings, but simply to reexamine the lens through which we view love.
Through my personal experience, love looks very different than the fairy tale we’re sold. Instead of warm and fuzzy moments, it often feels awkward and uneasy. Society teaches us that love should follow a specific script, and that expectation only makes genuine connection feel more forced and unnatural. We are so dependent on love to be a crutch or a cure to all of our problems in life, but in doing so, we risk hurting ourselves by pushing it where it doesn’t naturally belong. There is no such thing as a happy ending without hard work, and no Prince Charming is going to magically solve all of your problems and distress. Some people see relationships as a form of solace from everyday life. Many expect their perfect soulmate to appear out of nowhere, a person who completes them flawlessly, like two puzzle pieces snapping together without any sign of struggle. Life isn’t that easy.
As of writing this, I am currently a 13-hour flight away from home, with the only way to speak to people being Instagram DMs. I’ve had the time of my life on this trip, yet I feel so lonely. I feel like I’m half-assing it when I text someone, but it’s not because we don’t want to talk; we’re just busy. As college looms closer and closer, I feel a sharp pain in my chest and an inability to speak because of a gigantic lump in my throat. I’m so scared of losing people that I have a hard time letting them in, which ultimately hinders our friendship/relationship. Struggling with these somber feelings while away, I had an extremely insightful chat with a new friend, and she said something along the lines of “People should be able to complete themselves, and if they feel incomplete, then having a relationship would only amplify their emptiness.” Even in my school, some date for the sake of dating, in order to feel fulfilled and validated, but these couples never last long; their relationships are as ephemeral as a social media trend. To further develop this point, my friend added that people who look towards love as a blanket solution will only be disappointed. In her words, “These people will get into unsatisfying relationships and wonder what went wrong and why they’re unhappy when love is supposed to solve everything.”
This observation made me realize how my feelings weren’t healthy. It’s okay to miss people, but to fully depend on them is not only unfair to them but also to yourself. Idealizing someone is unfair to them because you will inevitably set unrealistic expectations and feel surprised when they have flaws. This phenomenon may explain why there is often uproar and extreme backlash when a celebrity scandal hits the media. When loyal fans discover that their favorites aren’t the people that they initially thought they were, they feel blindsided and disappointed, almost betrayed on a personal level. The same applies to holding someone on a high pedestal and expecting them to be flawless: it’s unrealistic and unattainable.
“Why are you so bitter?” “Aren’t you afraid of dying alone?” Please understand that I am not a soulless robot. I still love the concept of love. After all, I think I’ve spent over $500 on silly romance books. (Jenny Han’s To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before has a special place in my heart.) Whether it’s the sweet verses from a Beatles song or the lyrical triumph that is Taylor Swift’s discography, love has taken over my headphones.
Sure, it would be fun to go on romantic dates and share moments with someone who cares profoundly for you. However, I refuse to alter my current lifestyle or heedlessly pursue unattainable goals. In the end, if I’m giving more than I’m receiving, it’s not worth it. Plus, good things can’t be chased. The best things that happen in life happen on their own accord, at their own pace. Relationships have fostered the growth and happiness of some of my friends. Some of my friends have learned to stand back and take a break, realizing later that they may not be in the correct emotional or mature state to handle a committed relationship. Their relationship status does not devalue them in any way or make them less than someone who has a partner. A relationship does not define who you are, whereas your character shapes and transforms your relationships.
One last thing: love doesn’t have to be romantic. The Greek language represents four primary meanings of love: philia, eros, storge, and agape. Although eros, the type of intense passion that is most commonly associated with romantic relationships, is what we are most accustomed to, this does not mean that other types of love, such as philia (a strong and unbreakable friendship), storge (a deep and familial love), and agape (love that is unconditional and selfless), are not equally important. Personally, I am extremely thankful for the people in my life who care for me in a myriad of different ways that are not motivated by their self-interest. It is because of the strong support network that I am extremely fortunate to have that I do not feel any less worthy than them. This is something that I am able to be thankful for. A bouquet of red roses, a box of Valentine’s chocolates shaped like a heart, or an engagement ring are not the only things that can symbolize love. Whether it’s a thoughtful message from your parents reminding you to take care of yourself, an inside joke shared with your closest friends, or even smiles exchanged between complete strangers, love can take many forms and have many different manifestations.
That, in my opinion, is the very essence of love and its beauty. When it is required, it casts a shadow while simultaneously illuminating the light in your life. It infuses your life with vitality. Despite the current challenges, I firmly believe that things will eventually improve. Due to the fact that I have come to this realization, I no longer consider myself to be a hopeless romantic, and my preoccupation with the concept of a relationship that is consuming has decreased. In the absence of any hope, there is no opportunity that presents itself. The love and support of those who are closest to you can help you realize your full potential. In any case, I suppose you could say that maybe love isn’t what completes us, but what grows with us. And maybe that’s enough.
Written By Alex 